This world is a pretty unsanitary place. For a germaphobe and neat freak like me, it’s becoming a living nightmare. Here are a few helpful hints to help you avoid the Plague like it was the Plague. You’re welcome.

-A lack of vitamins results in scurvy. To remedy this, quit your job as a pirate.

-If you suddenly find yourself in an old cartoon and run off a cliff, keep running as fast as possible in order to stay up.

-Overuse of joints and ligaments can result in tearing. Avoid all physical activity. I hear CSI is on.

-Remember to boil all stagnant gutter water before you drink it.

-If your ship wrecks and you make it to a deserted island, make sure there’s a professor with you who can make a radio out of a coconut.

-Do you ever get those really small fiberglass splinters? Man, I hate those.

-If you ever get that Mad Cow Disease, man, I don’t know what to tell you.

-If you dunk and the backboard shatters and there’s glass everywhere, that would be awesome.

-Did you ever see “Outbreak” where all those people got Ebola and their organs got all messed up? That was gross.

-While knuckle sandwiches are rich in calcium; overeating can result in tooth decay.

-Extreme snowboarding and skateboarding can also be extremely dangerous. I bet you could totally nail that jump, though.

-Always make sure to use Wu Tang Clan properly. Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothing to mess with.

-There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s. Unless you’re allergic to peanut butter.

-If you’re sitting on a sinking boat and a great white shark is coming at you, remember to miss the barrel in its mouth with the first three shots and hit it with the fourth.

-Your love is like bad medicine. Bad medicine is what I need. Whoa-oh, shake it up.

-Avoid television’s Ted Danson. Attraction to his devil-may-care attitude and boyish good looks will only result in heartbreak.

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