Cheesecake. Ice cream. Tiramisu. Cookies with a tall glass of milk. You may be drooling in hunger, but I’m shuddering in disgust. Just thinking of all that dairy makes my insides scream. The familiar grade school song states, “We all scream for ice cream,” but some of us are screaming in pain. Yes, I’m referring to lactose intolerance. I am lactose intolerant, and I aim to inform you about this terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad disease.

Lactose intolerance is the inability to digest lactose, the sugar found in milk. Normally, the lactose is broken down by lactase, an enzyme. Lactase is produced by the cells that line the small intestine. My faulty small intestine dictates what I can and cannot eat. When the lactose isn’t digested properly, the build-up causes many uncomfortable symptoms. These disgusting symptoms include nausea, cramps, bloating, gas, and diarrhea. Yes, that’s disgusting, I know. When I overdose on dairy products, I get a stomachache about an hour later. That usually develops into cramps, and sometimes mad dashes to the “little girls’ room.” I then try to avoid people and non-ventilated areas. Dairy affects different lactose intolerant people in different ways. One lactose intolerant friend can drink up to one whole glass of milk without feeling sick. On the other hand, Sam Kleinke says, “Eating too much dairy causes bloating… (maniacal laughter).” Mike Koepke stated, “The fumes immerging from my lactose intolerant neighbor’s room… always cause asphyxiation.”

Different people deal with their lactose intolerance in different ways. The obvious way to deal with lactose intolerance is to avoid milk and dairy products. This is easier said than done. Just look around the cafeteria—dairy aplenty, dairy galore! Besides avoiding milk and cheese, I also watch out for any foods containing the word “cream.” Even delicious- looking casseroles are suspect, and usually avoided. Lactose intolerant people must make responsible choices when eating. Since each lactose intolerant person is different, he must know his own limits and stay within them. For example, I know that I can have one piece of processed cheese on my sandwich at lunch, but I can’t have cream cheese on my bagel at breakfast. Some people prefer not to make responsible choices. One such fool, who is not ashamed to admit his problem, is Jeremiah Drews. When asked how he copes with lactose intolerance, he answered, “I eat ice cream. And cereal with milk. I do all the things you’re not supposed to do.”

Oh, cereal with milk. I love cereal with milk. As much fun as I have fi nding new liquids to pour on my Golden Grahams, milk beats Cherry Coke every time. Thanks to over- the-counter lactase enzymes, I can occasionally have milk on my cereal, or even small doses of ice cream. Lactaid and the generic substitutions are little pills packed with lactase enzymes, which help break down the lactose. Eating one to three pills with each serving of dairy prevents all those nasty symptoms. Dairy pills, or d-pills, as I fondly call them, let me enjoy occasional dairy treats. I say occasional for two reasons. First of all, d-pills cost money. Secondly, I don’t want my body to build up immunity to the d-pills. Emily Mayer, my lactose intolerant roommate, is convinced that one can become immune to dairy pills, just as you can to all drugs. All bodies are different, but I don’t want to risk it. I try to have dairy pills at most once a day.

Now, I don’t mean to worry you, but you, too, could be lactose intolerant. You may think lactose intolerance is a rare occurrence. In reality, 30 to 50 million Americans are lactose intolerant. While Asian Americans and African Americans are genetically more likely to be lactose intolerant, 12% of White Caucasians in America are unable to digest lactose. Lactose intolerance is something that develops over time. Babies are rarely born with the disease. I “discovered” my lactose intolerance in my senior year of high school. If one or both of your parents are lactose intolerant, you are at risk for developing the inability to produce lactase. Lactose intolerance is a genetic thing and not something contagious or passed through dirty needles. There are a couple ways to officially test your lactose tolerance level at a doctor’s office, but you can perform a simple test on our very own campus. On the first day, take a trip to the ice cream cases and pig out on dairy products. On the second day, completely abstain. If you felt awful and gassy on the first day, and much better the second day, you are most probably lactose intolerant. Use trial and error to see how much dairy you can tolerate, and what foods you have to avoid like the plague.

Macaroni & cheese. Peanut Butter Revel. Cheese curds. Wisconsin cheese soup. Hear that noise? Yes, that’s 30 to 50 million Americans’ intestines screaming in pain. Be kind to your lactose intolerant friends. And enjoy your three-cheese bake. But please don’t flaunt it in front of me.

Source of stats and scientific stuff:

National Digestive Diseases Information Clearinghouse http: //digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/lactoseintolerance/ index.htm

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