So Julie Becker comes up to me and asks me to do a little article. So I say, “Jules, what can I do?” She responded with, “The sky is the limit Kyle… the sky is the limit.” So I pondered. How far is this limit then? How far away is “the sky?” So I researched. Well that depends, I found out. If Julie was referring to the troposphere, that is a mere 6 miles away until you reach the end of it. If she was referring to the stratosphere, that is a mere 6-50 miles away. However, if she was referring to the ionosphere, I knew I had it made, because it is a good 50-300 miles away.

Now that I knew my limits, I dreamt of an article that would change the world. Suddenly, it hit me like that yellow Hummer3 with Bode strapped on the front of it. I was watching an episode of Walker Texas Ranger one night, and then I had the most amazing dream: Chuck Norris, also known as Walker, was playing me in a game of Texas Hold’Em Poker. It was amazing!

So here I am against the greatest man of Texas ever. I thought I would try and shove him around a bit, but he is Chuck Norris, you don’t shove around Chuck Norris. I tried to bluff with low pair, but somehow… “he knew.” I couldn’t figure it out. Every time I was losing, he knew. Every time I was winning, he knew. Every time I tried to distract him by pointing at the basketball game, he would figure out I was trying to cheat and give me a roundhouse kick to the face.

You might be thinking, “What is the point of this?” Well it is simple. I need this question answered: If Chuck Norris were Catholic, would he become a saint when he dies? Think about it. Chuck has performed many miracles, saves the world daily, and is not a cartoon character. Well first off, everyone would have to wait five years after his death. Then, Kyle Burmeister his information would be looked over in order to see if he was “venerable,” meaning he was a role model with Roman Catholic virtues. I think that he would definitely pass step one. Next, he would have to be responsible for a miracle after his death in order to be beatified. Consider it done. For a man that can sense things and find out where a murderer is by merely thinking about it, I would consider performing a miracle after his death to be a cake walk. So all Chuck needs is a second proven posthumous miracle in order to be declared a saint! So the answer to the question is a resounding YES. If Chuck Norris were Catholic (and he did receive the 1998 Epiphany award for best Christian Program with “Walker, Texas Ranger”) he would be a saint after his death.

So, in let’s say 15-20 years, when you are celebrating what the Catholics will call St. Chuck’s Day, remember that you heard it here first.

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