The More You Know…
By Alex Groth
Professor Fredrich:
Professor Fredrich stopped the Cuban Missile Crisis by flipping his collar and saying, “Heyyyy!” like the Fonz.
P.F. can make Diet Coke taste like Regular Coke—with his mind!
P.F. invented vaudeville.
P.F. can call down a legion of squirrels at any time due to his extensive knowledge of squirrel vernaculars.
P.F. translated the Rosetta Stone and found it “trite and pedestrian.”
P.F. was the basis for the main characters in Rocky, Rambo, Demolition Man, and every Stallone fi lm with the exception of “Tango and Cash.”
P.F. incredibly watched the entire run of the television series “Family Matters” without laughing.
If you ask the workers at McDonald’s to “Fredrich-size” your meal, they’ll include an ancient manuscript.
P.F. has a suit made entirely out of the Dead Sea Scrolls.
In 1985 a student in a Fredrich Latin class jokingly called one of the quizzes a “piece of cake.” Twenty-one years later that student is still completing an Aeneid quiz in the depths of the library.
P.F. once told that knock-knock joke that ends, “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?” Professor Balge passed out from laughing so hard, and all three tutors had to be taken to the hospital.
All calls across the nation to 411 are directed to P.F.’s house.
P.F.’s brain was once considered for addition to the Periodic Table. It would have been called “BetterthanEinsteinium.”
P.F. can draw a 3-D picture of theologian Martin Chemnitz with one of those big crayons.
Heresy spontaneously combusts in Fredrich’s presence out of fear.
Pastor Boeder:
Pastor Boeder originally wrote the song “Livin’ On a Prayer” and gave it to Jon Bon Jovi as a gift.
P.B. once broke the backboard in the NBA all-star game with a thundering dunk. He then felt bad and glued it back together.
P.B. doesn’t find Waldo. Waldo shouts his location out of terror.
There is a little known New Ulm law that the official speed limit is the speed at which P.B. is driving at any given time.
P.B. handled all of Burt Reynold’s driving stunts in “Smokey and the Bandit.”
At any time you can buy any item on the McDonald’s Dollar Menu from P.B. for 99 cents.
P.B. took gold at the Nagano Olympics in Pairs Ice Dancing- by himself!
When bears encounter P.B., they pretend to be dead.
Tasers have three standard settings: Stun, Maim, and Boeder.
P.B.’s blood type changes depending on how much righteous anger is coursing through his veins.
P.B. once fit the letter “I” into the word “team”.
The MLC organ broke several years back. Pastor Boeder climbed into the pipes with nothing but a baseball bat and a BLT sandwich. Now the organ can play all those sound effects like that guy in “Police Academy”.
Whenever the MLC internet server freezes up, P.B. fixes it by singing the entire score of “Les Miserables.”
P.B. currently holds the world record for hugs given in one minute.
P.B. worked the turntables for the backbeat on that “Whoomp! There it is!” song.
Alex Groth is a SPAM Junior